Friendship

I miss our friendship. This feeling I've had for a while now. I miss how things used to be.
The good times. Two rebels in a crazy o' Riverside. Road trip buddies now turned wordless sharing  common space but seldom interact with one another. This loss of communication has led to our friendship deteriorating. Sometimes I find myself questioning how things would have been if my current situation hadn't changed. Would we be as close as we once were? Is my status the problem to our friendship? I wish I could understand. Please help me understand, so we could go back to how we used to be. We went from socializing about life and problems to hardly ever talking about anything. A close friendship we thought would continue to grow has in fact stopped. Constantly reminiscing on how things were I find myself wondering how I can change the situation. Did we try hard enough to mend our broken friendship?

Fixedly staring at thin air, wondering how we went from expressing our feelings to each other to having  vent elsewhere. How did it get like this? Hidden in the activities we engage in, I am constantly pondering what is going on in your life. I feel like you are hesitant about expressing your feelings with me. I am still the same person I used to be. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was hanging out with you? I'm falling apart trying to make sense of what little bit remains. All I ask is for a second chance. Can we start again to strengthen our broken friendship?

That's all I ask of you.

Where I left off..

It's a new year for me. A year in which I am determined to get things done on and off the track. I am amped for the season but more so excited about the school year. Although I have the option to graduate this year (on time) with a few of my peers, I opted to stay for another year in hopes of regaining a year of competition, and bringing my gpa up for grad school. This task seems worthwhile for I will have time to study for the GRE and apply for internships. Not too excited about having the title 5th year but I feel it will all be worth it in the end :D

Better

Sorry about the last post just a usual problem I'm conflicted with.I let my emotions do the talking instead of thinking them out. I am a fun person but struggle with communicating my problems. I think yesterdays mishap was what usually happens when I am upset about something. I tend to pick fights or I should say little arguments for no real reason at all. Weird huh? I know but I'm sorry and promise I will do my best to quit this routine. We talked it out took less than 15 minutes for something that blew up within minutes but I'm feeling better now :D

Thanks

Speaking out loud

       Today began like most days, bright and early morning waking up to lovely Pandora music player....Happy to see a special someone in the early morning and eager to help his parent's move into their new house, I woke up early enough to prepare for a busy day. The day started off slowly as I tried to find things to help with but not much was needed since there were other helpers. I quickly engaged myself in packing up his clothing as well as helping his mother do the same. Things were going well, it wasn't until we arrived at the other house that I noticed his mood had changed. I guess it was from all of the moving we were doing but it wasn't like he was the only one moving things around. At times I felt like I were doing most of the work which didn't bother me until I noticed him sitting down more often than anyone else. Don't get me wrong we all worked for hours without really eating much, yet he played he role a bit more. Was I in the wrong for calling him out on it? I packed the whole pantry alone and lifted many boxes to get things organized better than they were. I guess I see things different than others because over all it wasn't my home I was organizing it was his.
     Okay maybe I got a little to emotionally exhausted but are we on the same page? Everyone put in an effort in unpacking and re-organizing certain areas of the huge household why was it that he was the only one slowing his pace? I understand not eating can have an affect on how your body performs...lifting etc but I think he overreacted just a tad bit. I tried relaxing about the whole situation but I mean I guess I felt he could have done a lot more than he did. Moving is a huge process which requires full effort from everyone, but how would you feel if you were tired from moving boxes, organizing tons of pantry items (food...drinks..utensils) and kitchen items and continuing to work hard while one person relaxes to his own tempo of things? What made it worse was the fact that I mention how I felt about the situation that person gets upset and distances them self from me. I thought I was the one who had an excuse for my emotions....??? I wonder if I expect too much from him? Oh well only time will tell.

Peace

The stress I've put my body under has taken its toll. It seems as though I  have become easily baffled... exhausted... .. morosed.. these words I could use to describe myself at this very moment and what seems to be a reoccurring burden for me. I can no longer go to a place where my mind is at ease. I feel the need to tune everyone out of my life at times but it is only a momentary escape from the world. So I must say , I am truly sorry if I affect you ahead of time. I don't mean to put others in an awkward position. I don't know how else to deal with this problem but I find it easier to just lay in bed all day while listening to music.

Venting just to vent.... :/

A Reoccurring Theme..

Emotions hidden, deep down are unforgiven. Common feelings, unspoken, concealed and boxed away. This sensation I’m feeling, keeps me from expressing the truth behind my obsession for you. Weakness is not an option, my strengths cause many problems in which I am fighting to maintain a balance. This balance is an obstacle I wish to overcome, hopefully soon enough to pursue happiness when I am with you. So hold true my confession that I am entirely yours and in love with you. <3 

Moving on

Family forever. At times I've questioned the sanity of our relationship. I must admit there are very few sane individuals who have seen the route many misguided members continue to follow. Those who took note of these blunders such as gambling, alcohol usage, and violence made sure to oversee these interferences. I must admit it wasn't always like this. When times got hard things got a little colder. Animosity amongst these individuals had tension growing within each other. One thing I found myself questioning was the fact that I never really payed any attention to those who loved gossiping about so called family members. I would say there are very few of us that have stepped out of the realm in which other family members have been placed into. When times got hard the family separated like wild goose. What happened to family first no matter the situation? As i continued to grow older, wiser, and more responsible for my future I realized that this so called family had a problem. Most would say that every family has their moments... problems etc. However truth is it wasn't always like this. Family reunions brought us together to share stories moments we'd cherish forever but hit by a unsound mind the family slowly disintegrated. The strong souls who kept the family together for years slowly died off one by one leaving a family full of uninspired souls to explore the forbidden paths once conversed. A broken family slowly alienated themselves from others. Soon all they had to talk about was the fact that my mother had made a bad decision that would put our immediate family in a hole which carried over to the present. From then on I became distant and focused on trying to dig us out but shortly realized you cannot help those who won't attempt to help themselves. In the meantime I put my intentions of building what we once had into focusing on myself because how can you help others when you need help yourself? In time you only become so stressed out that in the end you end up hurting and depressed. Life goes on and I take pride in what I have done and look forward to eventually assisting my family but let it be none, I can't do it entirely alone.

Understand Me

Lately I've been feeling so cold. So cold, wondering how the hell I go on. As time fades away, soon does the smile that's upon my face . Sometimes I feel they just don't understand me. World on my shoulders but I'm doing the best I can.

In the Mix

In a constant battle amongst me, old habits have made life an obstacle in which I remain indecisive and sometimes hushed. Struggling to embrace truth and the feeling within causes others to become worried and misplaced. Remain humble yet true to those who love me. Focus on outcomes instead of momentary fixtures and pleasures. Limit wants above needs. Forever remain true at heart instead of conscious. However, to remain true is to except the self as a work in progress. No individual is perfect, but we aspire to be. I fell in love with you, you, and you but each feature was different. Consciously dividing the good and bad into one, I am left wondering what the outcome will be. You are great inside and out. Unlike any other you are truthful and humble. And YOU are relative in which we connect as one. Our features are alike, strong willed and motivated. The last of you are stuck fighting for what you believe in yet have let bad habits remain your blockage from your achievements. Combining all three would cause an imbalance in each feature one contributes. Suggesting that I miss the ways things used to be. Before I decided to withdraw from the old me and focus on the innovative me. I hope that we can remain as close as possible, and maybe work things out in the future. If our friendship ends in sentiment, I hope you can overcome it for I would hope to lose a great friend….. The one who got away!

Getting Over Myself

I am my worst enemy, because I am never satisfied with my performance. Self-critical, negative, words that describe me. Unlike many I am not afraid of failure. I have been down that road, and it has helped me with my successes. A PERFECTIONIST, I must get out of my old ways. Stubborn when I need help. "I must get over myself, before it conquers me".

Twisted......

Emotions hidden, deep down are unforgiven. Common feelings, unspoken, concealed and boxed away. This sensation I’m feeling, keeps me from expressing the truth behind my obsession for you. Weakness is not an option, my strengths cause many problems in which I am fighting to maintain a balance. This balance is an obstacle I wish to overcome, hopefully soon enough to pursue happiness.

Save Me...

As I lie here, countless nights wondering when the day will come. Will I be freed from this guilt I feel? Why must I feel this pain you bring me? My weeping nights are far from over. They say it will all be over soon. Will it? Will I regain such confidence in life or must I struggle to find what is right for me? As day turns night I remain still, free-falling against will. I stumble, in this puddle of mud in which, it like quick sand, pulls me down... down.. down into its center and with my last gasp of air, I am still reaching for that last bit of hope that you will be there to save me!

Reunited....

Today was amazing...... Reunited with my first LOVE :D I still have the touch, drive as i did back in the day. I wonder how much different my life would have been with him? The comfortable vibe he sent off had me blushing inside. I could not resist his temptation. Once I began this game, it was no turning back. I had to have five more. Sore and tired I threw in the towel and ended my night with a smile. I hope i get a chance to continue this love, and passion that i have for the sweet sensational game of basketball. :D

Thankful

I am very thankful for what I have. Had a bad day at school, but very much thankful for waking up to see another day. Met new friends, practice went well, the school year is almost over and I am thankful for what I have. This year has been a rocky one yet my loving boyfriend has stood beside me the whole time. I am very thankful. Things don’t always go the way I’d expect them to but I am very thankful for the challenges that occur daily. Bills, grades, and staying healthy, I am thankful for what I have. My own room, clothes, money, and food I am thankful for. Loving friends, roommate, and siblings I am thankful for what I have. It seems to me, this thankfulness I have is what keeps me succeeding my goals. This thankfulness, I have I am thankful for having….. Guiding me through rough, rocky, and unstable roads for I am thankful for having explored them.

Work it Out

Annoyance is what you cause. From this lack of communication, I withhold my feelings from you. Unintentionally frustrating me, I am left trying to build courage from nothing. “I could really use a wish right now”. In hope that one day I will converse these feelings with you. Fearful of your response, I push myself further away. This distance becoming too comfortable, I am afraid it might become permanent. Support is what you’ve promised me but my uncertainty has left me terrified. Continuously, expecting myself to approach this concern I feel as if my strength is weakened. As we slowly drift away I am reminded how we fell-out the first time, miscommunication. A previous mistake easily fixed but returned to test our relationship. Can you see it? Our communication has become weakened. Haven’t you noticed? No longer on the same page, we begin slowly drifting into each other’s space. “I could really use a wish right now”. I look forward to talking with you soon.

Looking Forward

From time-to-time I find myself lost within two worlds. In the first, I am caught making decisions that are to complex in my making. In the next, I am caught trying to please everyone. At an early age I have always been a great decision maker, but over the years I have found that my decisions have lacked trust within myself. I have developed an over-thinking approach to things. I am constantly thinking about the effects rather than the positive aspects within them. My lack of faith in my decision making has set plenty of burdens on my shoulder. Kind-hearted and willing to please those who I love I have created a weight that is too heavy for me to lift. I am steadily kicking myself into the ground when my expectations are not met. This approach to things has affected my mind, body, and spirit. I am not the person I used to be. What happened to the woman who instead of bashing herself down, work harder to make sure things go accordingly? Trying to satisfy those around me I am faced with unusual emotions, which have caused me to plaster my feelings and thoughts. Sometime down the road I am unleashing these feelings which have created a burden for me.

While I cannot change the past I can work toward strengthening my future. I must overcome this over-thinking process and focus on the present. These words are very familiar to me. I have whispered the saying over-and-over to myself, but have continuously found no sense of comfort from them. Maybe the source is not my over-thinking but in fact my expectations I have placed upon myself? Placing success as a top priority? “I don’t know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone” Maybe my next move should be to challenge myself mentally, and physically in which I think the opposite?